R.I.P. Piteris

                      01.01.2000 - 15.09.2020

  There hasn't gone a day by since you left, that I've not missed you.

Days are so empty without you, I feel like half of me is missing. All emotions come and go so briefly, but the one that stays is the pain of missing you.
I'm trying to be (and I am) thankful of our great memories and who you were to me, but I guess as much as I try to let you go, my heart just fcking can't.
Every night, if I've had a rough day I get panic attacks 'cause I think that you come to my head as a comfort first, because you were the only one who had the skill and peace in you to put my feet back on the ground again and take a deep breath.
To feel good again. No matter what was going on in my life, I felt peace, happiness, love and security when I was with you.
But now, when you come to my head instinctively to calm my head, it doesn't work like that anymore.
Because: the one thing that never let me down, made me feel good and safe etc. is now a painful memory.
I remember your death immediately after I see a few good memories, just feeling your presence or remember you in any way.
I held you. Told you it's going to be okay. Held my sadness, fear, panic and tears just to make you feel safe. But when the vet came and started going through what's about to happen, I just couldn't help myself and I broke down. I looked you all over, wanted to remember everything. I thouched you and tried to make you feel safe and calm, but I think that you already knew what was going on and you were okay with it. I just fully wasn't.
I see you falling after those poison spikes,
I see how your soul left your body and how I screamed. Cried my ass off, paniced.
I came to close your eyes, pet your head and pattered how sorry I was.
- And I don't remember any of this my reaction, 'cause I guess I was in shock. My family told me what happened in that situation.
I felt like I killed you. Betrayed my best friend. Let you down.
Even though I knew that this was the only way to go. But the knowlegde of that those aren't true still didn't take away my pain and those feelings. I was alone, without you.

I grew up with you. I spent every holiday with you, I saw you almost everyday. We grew to be inseparable, we worked together so good and build a trust which wouldn't break in any situation. You were my soulmate and I was to you a leader, friend, herd member, human you loved and human you trusted in every situation. I can't describe the relationship you can develop and have with a horse, but he was my everything.

I promised to make a in memoriam-video of you, I guess to have some kind of closer for myself too. But I haven't done it and it's been over 2.5 months.
I hope that this text helps me out a little, but I know that I'm a good processor of emotions/traumas, so I've come to think that some personas are just meant to leave that agonaizing miss after them, 'cause they gave that much to people who where close to them. Time fades that pain and miss, but it never goes away. Then you can try and turn that pain into gratitude of the time you had with them.

The time I had with you.
Best time of my life.
Thank you for everything. ❤